I'm A Woman, I'm A Mom, and Yea I'm Crazy.

I Can't Do Sexy!!!!!

2010-05-20T11:28:00.000-06:00

I was asked a question by a friend today....Is there anything you can't do well? As I sat and thought about it many things came to my mind..
I am not a perfect mom..but I am a good mom. I am not the perfect wife, but my husband is happy. I can't change a tire, but I am smart enough to have AAA. I can't draw worth a crap, but I have no reason to. I am not the perfect driver, I speed and never do a complete stop, but I don't have any tickets either..(I have cleavage, and cops forget how to write tickets.) As I sat and thought deeper into what I really suck at and cannot do to save my life....It hit me...I can't do sexy...

Now if you know me..I know you are thinking bullshit, and I can agree with you somewhat. Yea, I can dress sexy, I can look sexy, I can write sexy...(cybersex) But to actually act and be sexy, NO I cannot do. I have thought about the past few times that I have tried to be a sexy seductress for my hubby..I just can't do it..I start laughing to no end and totally ruin the moment. Here are some examples...

As you all know we are the parents of 4 children..so sex is a get it when you can thing in my house. Well...one day all 3 boys were out of the house, and all we had was our daughter..She went down for a nap..My hubby said lets watch a movie..I agreed, I mean the house was quiet, no kids, it was our relax time..Then it hit me...its SEX time..I told my hubby I will be right back, I had to go to the bathroom..

I walked down the hall to our bedroom and threw off my clothes and put on this French maid outfit that I bought for a sexy occasion such as this. I put it on...it fit perfect...well my boobs were a little to big for it..ok a lot to big..but hey what man would not mind a little boobie hanging out. I didn't put on any panties either. I then put on some 4inch high heels. I then sprayed the bed with this vanilla talc spray I got from a sex toy party..I put a little diva dust on myself, and tip toed (so he could not hear my heels on the wood floor) down the hall, thru the living room, and stood behind the wall in the kitchen. (Hubby was in the den.)

I stood there and thought to myself how to approach him...I then just started to laugh at myself. Hubby herd me and asked what I was doing, all that came out of my mouth was, "I don't feel like watching tv, I feel like cleaning." As I stepped out from behind the wall he said, "Well clean then." I lost it, I just started laughing, and laughing and couldn't stop. My hubby than asked what was wrong with me as he finally turned his head to look at me....and that's what he did..he just looked at me..(I'm still laughing) My hubby started laughing...It was just not the way I had planned it to go..But it was me who busted up laughing first. I couldn't blame him for laughing to. I just looked at him and said, "Movie or me?" Of course it was me...We just walked to the bedroom, and I took off the maid outfit and well...you know what happened next.

Here is another example of how I can't do sexy..The other night we were on the patio..kids were playing in the house in their rooms..We had the stereo on, this song that I love, and think its one of the best lap dance songs ever started to play..So I got out of my chair and walked over to him and started to dance. Then I just started laughing..of course he wanted more..but how can my laughing ass, that just totally ruined the moment still be and act sexy..I just sat down and laughed some more..

Lat but not least....This weekend the baby went down for her nap..I had been cleaning all day and went to take a shower..While in the shower I thought..Its sex time..I finished my shower..put on some vanilla oil..got out the hes and hers KY, laid on the bed totally naked, in a sexy pose and yelled for him to come here...OMG as soon as he came into the room I (yep you guessed it) I started laughing..I again, ruined another sexy moment..

So there you have it..I cannot do SEXY. I wonder if there is a class I can go to..I need some training on How To Do Sexy!!

I dedicate this Blog to my dear friend Darris Cooper. Love ya!!!!! hahahahahahahahahahaha

Its Facebook Not Fate..Get Over Yourself!!!

2010-05-14T15:43:00.000-06:00

OK, We all know what Facebook is...Right? It's that site you get to find out where people ae that you went to school with, or grew up with or whatever...

I have a Facebook account (FB) I made it last year. You see, I was in the Army for 5 years and I wanted to find some of my old army buddies. (The best friends a person can have.) Not only have I found a lot of my good o'l army buddies but, a few high school guys that had crushes on me, have found me..I know they had crushes on me because they have told me in their FB mesages to me.

The funny thing is, these guys where just "friends" back in high school..Now they open up to me and tell me how much they love me.miss me, want me, can't live without me.....Ummmm I'm in my 30's, I am not that little nerdy high school girl anymore..I ask the question, "How do you know, you love me?" Its the same friggen answer from all of them..ok there is only (3) of them. Their answer is..."It's FATE, after all these years I have found you." Ummm no DUMB ASS It's FACE BOOK. We went to school together, and I made an account, just the same as you did..(I don't tell them that.) I just laugh to myself, and write back.. "It's a small world" Hope your doing well....You would think that would be the end of it..right...WRONG!

I have my email address on my FB (bad mistake) and I have started receiving pictures of DICKS, yes I mean DICKS.(The hairry ones, with balls) Like I really want to see their man parts..OMG..Not only do I get pictures of their dicks, but I also receive little, nice, love notes to go with them..."This is for you baby, Come to your real daddy, You know you want it" Ummmmm no I really don't want it...It looks fucking nasty!!!

My hubby has no clue about these 3 dumb asses. If he did I would have to bail him out of jail. I just don't see how this is FATE..I am thinking about deactivating my FB so I don't have to deal with weird FB stalkers!!! But, then I would miss my true friends...(The ones that I tweet with who have FB)

If you read this, and you have thought it was FATE to find your long lost love on FB...Chances are YOU ARE WRONG! Chances are you, went to the same school, and lived in the same town...Chances are, she does not want to see pictures of your dick..so please don't send her any....Chances are, you probably suck at writing love letters, so don't write her any...

So, it's not FATE, its internet....

It's Your Dog!!

2010-04-30T11:43:00.000-06:00

Why is it that, when the FAMILY wants something, it later turns out to belong to just me?

This morning (4-30-10) hubby is off work, before I came to work I asked him to go pick up poop before the people who spray our house gets there. I explained that there isn't that much, I just don't want nobody stepping in it. My hubby said, why didn't YOU pick it up last night..(Um, well we had winds up to 40mph, I wasn't going outside for shit,) I looked at him, told him don't worry about it..I will FUCKING do it later. (We never really argue about anything, but I have had it with doing everything.) I slammed the door and just went to work.. I am still so pissed. I know its just poop but here is how it all began....

Eleven (11) months ago hubby came to me and said he really wanted a Doberman Pinscher. I have always wanted one of these beautiful dogs myself. I did research, and learned that they are highly intelligent dogs, and are loyal to their family. They have a bad rep for being aggressive. Therefore I agreed, that if we found a puppy we would get it.

A few days later hubby came to me and asked if I had found a puppy yet? I asked him if he was looking to, he told me no and went on to say t, he knew I liked doing stuff like that. (Um, since when?) I went out and got a few news papers and began the search for our new FAMILY pet. Believe it or not...BINGO on the first paper. I called the number and asked if there was any puppies left, and the age of the puppy's. The lady told me they are 8weeks and that she has 4 pups left. 3 red and 1 black and brown. She lived about a 100 miles away, I asked her if it was possible that my hubby and I leave the next day to come see her pups. She had no problem with that. So the following day hubby and I took our road trip to go see some puppies.

We got to the lady's house around lunch time. She had 5 adult dobermans, they were all beautiful, and big. She took us over to the puppies. (I knew I wanted a red female and that's what I had my mind set on.) All the puppies came running up to me and my hubby. I picked the most cutest, playful red female out of the bunch. I told this is the one, pay the lady and lets go. My hubby just looked at me. I knew something was wrong. I put the puppy down and asked him if he was ok. OMG..Men do cry! My hubby looked at me and said that our other dog is female, and he wants a MAN DOG, (What the hell is a man dog?) and he doesn't want a red dobie, he wants the black and tan one, which was a male dog. I love dogs, and this may or may not be true..but I really believe a female dog is smarter and easier to train then a male dog. I walked over to where all the pups were and sat with them. The whole time I was thinking.."My hubby always gives me what I want, never argues, never complains, he just spoils me to no end...it's time I let him have something he wants." I picked up the black and tan male pup, Okay...lets get him. My hubby smiled ear to ear, and he paid the lady and we left.

During the ride home pup sat on my lap the whole time, even fell asleep. Hubby and I had a conversation and it went something like this:

Me: You know, he is going to be a BIG dog. YOU better help me take care of him. This includes feeding, picking up his monster size poop, bathing, walking, and vet visits.

Hubby: Oh, I know babe. I will he is "MY MAN DOG" and the kids will help to.

ME: I'm serious, I better not be the sole caregiver of this dog.

Hubby: Babe, I will help, "I PROMISE"

We then talked about a name..I named him (Hades) Greek God of the Underworld. We then talked about cropping his ears. I was against it, but again..I let hubbs make the decision..He wanted ears cropped.

So to make a long story short:
I took him to ALL his vet visits, to include the ear cropping, (to include caring for him, and giving him his medications) I bathe him, I pick up his poop, I feed him, and yea I even walk him.

Hades is now almost a year old now. He weighs 70 lbs and is huge. To this day hubby has NEVER walked him, picked up poop, fed or bathed him, nor has he taken him to any vet appointments or any of the 6 obedience classes he has had. As far as the kids...They haven't done shit either. Every time I ask for help, I get this answer. You wanted him, he's your dog! (no it was a family agreement that we ALL wanted him) I actually wanted the female...remember!

A few weeks ago my kids told me they were mad at me. I asked them why. They told me that Hades is supposed to be a family dog. I told them he is. They argued with me and said no, he is just YOURS. He follows you where ever you go, and he only listens to you. Hubby was standing next to them and agreed with the kids. (They acted as if I brain washed the damn dog to love me.) I was pissed, I asked ALL my kids to include my idiot hubby..Do you feed him, do you walk him, do you pick up his poop, do you bathe him? They all looked at me and said No..That's RIGHT you don't I went on to say. I DO...I explained dogs are smart, and they know who takes care of them. That's why he loves me..They all promised to help.. (Um, don't believe that shit.)

I love our damn dogs...But a little help would be nice! :)

Potty Time

2010-04-26T10:21:00.000-06:00

Well it's that time..You know the time to teach your child how to use the potty. This is a good thing..diapers are expensive!!

My ex-husband pretty much trained my son..So now it's my turn to train my daughter..I know she is ready for this because, every night before her bath she has been wanting to use the potty. So I bought her, her own potty. It's a cute little potty, after your child pees it makes music. I thought this is perfect..Right..well here how potty training has been going the last couple of weeks..

I showed my daughter her new potty a fwe weeks ago, She loved it..Infact she loved it so much that for the entire weekend she wanted it in the living room, and sat on it butt naked. (Yea, what am I supposed to do?) I don't want to be upset with her, I want her to want to potty in the potty.

So I put her potty up and thought maybe I can just train her on the toilet..things went grat until she fell in..Yea it was pretty funny but she refuses to sit on it, and she is still wearing diapers..OK..So brought out the potty chair again. Now we are back to naked TV watching on weekends, and naked TV watching when we are home at night...Last week I finally broke her of that. She now understands that the potty chair stays in the bathroom.

Her new thing now is potty when mommy pottys. UGH...Everytime I go to the bathroom, she goes..She moves her chair so that it is close the toilet, strips down, and sits on it..Yep, this is an everyday thing. Not to bad your thinking..Well yes and no. I look on the bright side, at least she is trying.. Yes it's bad cause she only wants to potty when I potty and not any other time. And I have two dog..I have a mini pincher, and I have a 70lbs Doberman Pinscher. Ok your thinking what to dogs have to do with potty time. I'm about to tell you.

These are family dogs, but for some reason, they LOVE me, and follow me where ever I go...Yep that is to include the bathroom. So, I have a 2yo, a mini pincher, and a huge ass Doberman with me when I have to go to the bathroom. Heres why all this really sucks!

My daughter want to be super close to me while she sits on potty chair, mini pincher wants to be between my legs, and Big Dobe wants trys to sit on my lap. So now the dogs are growling at each other, my daughter is pissed at the dogs, and I JUST WANT TO FRIGGEN PEE! I have come to hate peeing in my own house.

So, my daughter will be 3 in September, and I highly doubt she will be potty trained..ugh...And the only reason I look forward to work, is because I get to pee ALONE!!!

Any advice please....anyone!!!

Meeting With Daycare....ugh

2010-04-23T14:48:00.000-06:00

Just so everyone understands my daughter is 2. She turns 3 in September.

On April 22 my cell phone rang. I answered it. It was a lady from the daycare that my daughter goes to. She told me that there had been an incident with my daughter. The first things that went through my mind was she had gotten hurt playing, and I'm going to need to take her to the ER. I asked what happened. The lady said, "Well, YOUR daughter kicked another child, and when the teacher sat her down to talk to her she kicked the teacher in the mouth and made her bleed. I was a little shocked at this. (No, I am not one of those mothers who thinks that their child is an angel.) It's just that she has 3 brothers, and she never beats their asses up, nor does she ever hit me or her father. The lady then said, "Can you please talk to her." I did not hesitate I told her I will come pick her up. "No, thats not what I mean, I will put her on the phone and you can talk to her." (Ummm, she is 2..what the hell you mean you will put her on the phone?) I really just said, "Ok." I said her name until I her her little voice say "Mommy" I told her she needed to behave. Then in her little sqeaky voice she said, "Mommy, teacher ouie." Trying not to laugh, I said, "I know, teacher has a ouie, you need to be nice." The lady came back on the phone and told me thank you, and everything will be ok. I explained that I was sorry.
I got off work and picked my daughter up from daycare, and in her lunch pail was a note. The note said I needed to be there in the morning for a meeting about my daughters behavior. (Now, why couldn't anyone tell this to my face?)
All night this incident with my daughter bugged the shit out of me. Like I said before, she has 3 brothers, that kind of shit doesn't happen at my house..Then a light went off in my head (Something must have pissed her off to do what she did.)
So, here's how the meeting went.
I walked in (her dad was with me to) we were asked to sit down..and we did..They had regular adult chairs which was good. They began telling me about the incident the day before, then she went on to say that if my daughter does something to that effect one more time they will kick her out of the school. I took a deep breath..... I told the lady that my daughter is NO angle, but what happened, what made that situation escolate. The lady then looked at one of the teachers from her class, the one she kicked (could tell by the fat lip) her teacher was in a frozen like state, and she said, "We don't know, we didn't see what happened."
I looked back at the lady and I said, "So you would kick my child out, even though you have NO clue what happened, Let me tell you somthing...I'm a month ahead on my payments to you, I donate to this school (church) I always bring things for the parties you have for the kids, and put extra money in on your pizza days." She looked at me, and told me she was sorry. I explained I know you can't watch all the kids 100% of the time, but this is going a little to far. Again, she just said she was sorry.

I bet your wondering why in the world would I continue to let my child go there. Well, I'm in a small town and don't have to many options, and she was on the waiting list as soon as I found out I was prego. So unless it gets worse, there she shall stay until she is 5 and starts kindergarten.

The Schwans Man

2010-04-21T09:35:00.000-06:00

Ok, so it's been awhile since I've had anything to really write about.

As I was getting ready for work this morning, I realized It was Wednesday. Not only is it the middle of the week, but Wednesday is when the SCHWANS MAN comes...

The past two years I have been ordering from the company Schwans, and have had 3 different delivery guys. Now the last two were cute and funny..I loved when they delivered to my house..But this number 3 guy is HOTT and cute and funny, and young. A lot younger than me..thats for sure and somehow I have managed to act like a complete idiot around this guy..

When he gets to my house I can't even talk, I just stare at him, like a lost fucking puppy as I drool all over myself, and I know he knows, I'm in a way a stalker of his. When he smiles I swear I see a twinkle in his eye. (I know that twinkle is met for me) LMFAO yea right...I'm like an older sisiter to that HOTT young thing. Anyway...I stutter when I tell him what I want..LOL, and I just continue to stare at him.. (Thank god my husband doesn't see the complete ass I make of myself when he comes to the house) or he does and is laughing at me..I make my order, as painful as it is, he goes to his truck and grabs my things and brings them back to me and thats it..Yet I know I have made a fool out of myself..

4 weeks ago I went to the bank. My mom works there and I went to see her. You know who was there..Yep Mr. HOTT himself..He was delivering orders to people at the bank. I told him hi, like he was really going to remember me...He came to my moms office and gave her what she had ordered. He looked at me..I said..I live down the street...the blue house..(like it's the only blue house on the street) He smiled and said..Oh ok..hey..LMFAO I did it again..made a fool of myself..(For god sake I'm in my 30's and this kid has me acting like a idiot teenager)

2 weeks ago I was at my sister in laws house, and as I went to leave, guess who was across the street making a delivery..Yep Mr. HOTT himself..and once again I had to go and say somthing stupid..here's what I said, "Hey you, give me some free ice cream!" Not only was that the most stupidest thing to say, but I also deepened my voice (like he was going to reconize my real voice anyway) It was a little dark outside, and he looked at me and I said, "It's me." Oh my god, I thought to myself, shut the fuck up and get in your car. He kept walking closer and I just froze..He was able to see me when the street light turned on and said, Oh, hey How are you, he then laughed a little..I told him I was fine..thats good he said. He turned around and got in his truck and left..I got in my care and the only thing I could think to myself was "Give me some free ice cream" LMFAO what the hell is wrong with me...

Well its Wednesday, and he will be making a delivery tonight...Wish me luck...I hope I don't make a fool out of myself..

WWIII, or Bath Time.

2010-04-07T10:20:00.000-06:00

No one said having kids would be easy, but no one said BOYS, will be a pain in the ass, and hate taking a bath.

It's 7:00pm at my house. Kids are fed, dinner dishes still in the sink, dog needs to be fed and, I'm on my 3rd maybe 4th glass of wine. (Who knows, kids make you crazy, and you forget.)

I yell "Bath Time!" and my little devil of a daughter actually takes her horns off and comes running, yelling bath, bath. She loves her bath...By 7:15pm, she is lotioned up, pjs on, and on the couch watching that dreadful cartoon "Wow Wow Wubzy."

I get the bathroom ready for the next child...I yell "Bath Time." and silence befalls my once happy home. The silence is then followed with a loud wimpering whining voice thats seems to say "Mommmmm, I don't want to take a bath, I'mmmmmmm not dirty!"

Now WWIII has begun. I tell the boy yes, you are dirty, you have been playing outside all day! "NOOOOOOOOO I'M NOT!!!!" comes from this boys mouth. Look, I say to the boy, you will take a bath and, you will stop argueing with me. I start to fill the tub with water, the water to this boy is like cryptonite to superman. The boy runs, and he runs fast. I continue to fill the tub. I look at the clock and it is 7:45pm, (Time flys when your fighting a war.) I then start the hunt for the boy, always find him in the same place...hiding under the covers in MY bed. I try to reason with the boy, I explain to him that the water is getting colder by the min, just go get in the FREAKING TUB.

Negotiattions began. Boy says, "Will you buy me a toy?" Angry mean mom says, "Only good, clean boys get toys." (It's now 8:00pm)

Boy says "But I want a toy." Angry mean mom "I want a clean, good boy"

He gets off the bed and begans to walk down hall towards the bathroom. I'm smelling a sweet victory...Then in front of bathroom door, boy turns to me and says "But, mommmmmmm I'm not dirty!"...I breakdown, "Ugh..Just get in the bath. Why can't you just take a bath like a normal child." Boy looks at me and with a little smile says, "Cause mommmm, I'm not normal!" (It's now 8:20pm)

Ok, just get in the bath, I will make popcorn and you can cartoons. Boy then says..."If you make me take a bath, I will tell daddy I don't want to stay with you, and I don't love you, I don't want to take a bath". The only thing that came to my mind, and seems to exit from my mouth is "Fine, don't take a bath, be the stinky kid in school, be the kid with no friends, I don't care!!!"

The boy looks at me and yells "FINE I will take a stupid bath!" He rips his clothes off in the hall, throws them on the floor, gets in the bath, and complains the water is cold. (It's now 8:45, no shit the water is cold)

I add warm water, and think to myself, my son wants to be the cool kid in school, not the stinky one. Why in the hell did it take so long to think of such a clever remark!!!

Finally at 9:10pm, everything is back to some what a normal state...Dishes in the sink will have to wait...Mamma needs some wine!!!! Shit, I still need to feed the dog!

The Dreadfull Binky

2010-03-31T16:09:00.000-06:00

Who invented the binky. If I could call up that 1 person who innvented the binky I would give him/her a good ass chewing!

Yea, it was my choice to give my child a binky when she was born. But WTF was I supposed to do. I was out of breast milk, and my nipples hurt like hells fire. She was crying, and nothing made her happy, and I was so tired...15 mins of sleep was all I wanted...Just 15 min. And on the table next to her crib was this little nipple looking thing, I could swear to you that it was glowing and music from the angels themselves seem to come from this mysterious BINKY. I picked up the binky, I placed it in het mouth and "silence" thats right only soft sucking and breathing noises came from the girl. I got a strait 2 hours of sleep!! This binky was a miracle. I wanted to just KISS the person who invented the BINKY.

2 1/2 YEARS LATER.........

My daughter is now 2 1/2..and she still carries that dreadfull binky in her mouth...Thats right DREADFULL. I have tried numerous times to break her from the binky, but have failed several times. Oh. it's not as easy as you think. Not only does she not want to go to bed without it, but she will cry all day just to get it. I am down to my last few bottles of "Mad House Wife" wine. (Can't buy it here either, friends bring it to me.) I will swear I have seen her eyes turn red, her head turn completly around, and I believe that no child can scream as high an octive as she does. To be honest I might have a blown ear drum. I am goin on 72 hours, with no sleep, hearing gone, and nerves are shot. I don't know how much more of this I can take.

Now, I have a question to ask the makers of this dreafull binky.

Where in the HELL is the warning label?.......(I have drafted up my own and will be e-mailing to all binky makers in the world.)

1. "Use caution when giving child a binky, child will 100% depend on, and become dependent on the binky. It will become the best thing your child has ever had, besides the food you feed it."

2. "Use caution when trying to break a child from binky. Child's eyes will turn shades of red, head may rotate 360'. Child will scream so loud that you may lose your hearing for a week or longer...(note).. No child isn't possessed, this is normal behavior.

3. Expect to become sleep deprived, like the way you were before you gave child the binky."

4. "Enclosed you will find a voucher for any amount of liquor of your choice. Please send in all reciepts and we will gladly reimburse you for all alcohol bought during "The breaking Of The Binky"..(note)..Alcohol is for you, not child.

Thank you makers of the binky, thank you!!!!

Thats My Boss!!!

2010-03-31T14:26:00.000-06:00

I get called into my bosses office..Ok, so he is my bosses, boss..he is the BIG CHEESE...(Get the picture)

I work at a Detention Center, as a Detention Center Officer, but was tranfered to the Admin. Bldg.. My bosses boss, is the boss up at the Admin Bldg.

Ok,, back to my story: So my bosses boss, calls me into his office, wants to talk about my recent transfer. I explained to him I didn't understand why I was moved. I hadn't done anything wrong. (I did turn in officers for treating an juvy inhumanly, but it was the right thing to do.) Heres what my boss said:

"The people you work with at the jail don't like you. They don't like you because YOU follow the policy and procedure hand book." As I starred at him, with a blank OMG stare, he went on to say "I have a bunch of humans that work for me, not robots but humans. Now if I had a bunch of robots then of course I would expect the policies to be followed, but I have humans working for me, not robots."

I swear thats what he said. Yea I have my own office and my job up here is easier, but to be in trouble because I follow rules...thats a first for me...I'm still in a bit of shock...but THATS MY BOSS!!!

What The Hell People, It's a Dog Park!

2010-03-29T11:08:00.001-06:00

I love my dog. He is an 11 month old Doberman named "Hades" and, that name fits him well. I researched dobermans and learned that they are a very smart dogs. They need a lot of exercise, I thought great so do I. But, my god that dog is like having another kid..I love him but wish he would run-away sometimes..

Normally I walk Hades about 3-4 miles, ok he walks me. Today was just one of those days I didn't feel like walking. So, I took him to the dog park. (Got kicked out the other day because, Hades started humping on some bitch in-heat.) Her owner got all pissed, I reminded him, "It's a dog park, control your slut." Yea he didn't laugh. Anyway today I decided to take him again.

We arrived at the dog park, and of course I got all the usual stares. (Dobermans have a bad name. Hades is not mean at all, looks mean but is a big baby.) I know what those people are thinking, they think my dog is gona eat their dog..Don't worry he won't!!

Before I take him into the park I let him smell the other dogs through the chain link fence. (I do this because I watch the dog whisperer, and Cesar Millan says to.) Things seemed fine, it looked as though he couldn't wait to go play. As I looked at him, he looked at me, he looked back at the dogs through the fence, then looked at me again. Thats when I noticed, he had that "look." (You know, right before your child throws that god awful, fit in the middle of the store because you won't buy the toy they want.) Yea..that look.

Before I even realized what he was about to do, he lifted his leg and began peeing on the dogs through the chain link fence...I didn't know what to do...I was stuck in a frozen state of disbelief.

Everything seemed to stop, all you could hear was the sound of his pee streaming towards those other dogs. I looked up to see 3 people just looking at me, I figured them to be the owners of the dogs Hades was pissing on. All three people came running towards the fence. It was like in a slow motion state, I could see their mouths moving, but didn't understand what they were saying.

I didn't want to scold him for peeing, so I let him finish. Those other dogs never moved so maybe thats another way of saying "Hi" in the doggy world, besides sniffing butts.

Well, needless to say..Acording to the owners of the pissed on dogs, my dog is bad and neither him or I are to come back....I laughed and told them..Yea sure you don't own the park....But, to be honest..I will stick just to walking my dog.

Baby Alligator

2010-03-27T10:13:00.000-06:00

My 7 year old son loves animals, he really wants a pet lizard. I live in a small town and there isn't a pet store here. I decided to go online. I found a website called reptiles n more.

I went to the site, and they have all kinds of stuff. Lizards, frogs, toads, salamanders, and baby alligators. For a moment I thought "Who in their right mind would buy a baby alligator?"

So for shits and giggles I wanted to see how much a baby alligator would cost. I clicked in the link, thinking it would be about $500.00 or more. OMG The price was only $119.00. As I sat at my computer looking at the picture of the baby alligator I just couldn't understand why people would buy such an animal. Think about it, those things grow, and eat things like you neighbors, your neighbors cats who keep shitting in your yard, your pets, your kids. And thats when the light went off....Your Ex husband.

I then looked in my back yard and planned on how I could raise that baby alligator until it was over 6ft, and weighed a ton.(You know like the ones on animal plannet) I could then crate it up, and send it to my X, of course I won't feed it for a good week or two.

He receives the package, he opens it, and I wouldn't have to worry about the asshole anymore.

I'm the kind of person who would buy the baby alligator!!!

Boob Job

2010-03-24T12:43:00.000-06:00

Just a question: Why would you get a boob job if you work at a jail? And then cry because someone made fun of you? It's beyond me, I just wanted to slap her. The boss let her go home to calm down.

Made me smile

2010-03-24T12:05:00.000-06:00

Having Babies

2010-03-24T08:20:00.000-06:00

To help you understand this little story I need to explain to you that, I have been with the same man for 4 years. We are not married. He has asked me to marry him but, it is my decision to wait. We have a daughter that is two years old. I have a son from a previous marriage, and he has twin boys from his previous marriage.
OK, so we get his boys every other weekend. Those of you who are divorced know what I am talking about.
I was giving my daughter a bath and one of his boys came into the bathroom and asked me if I needed help. I told him I sure do. He knelt next to me and leaned over the tub and just starred at my daughter. He then looked at me and asked if I made a sin. I didn't understand him. So I said, "What?" He said, "You know a sin, did you make a sin?" I told him I have no idea what he is talking about. He then said, "My mom said, You and my dad made a sin, cause you are not married and have a baby."
I was speechless I couldn't believe a mother would tell her child something like this, especially since she had her first child when she was 17 years old, and didn't marry the father.
I looked at the boy, I explained that babies come from love, and are a gift from god. A baby is never a sin.
After i finished bathing my daughter, I opened a bottle of wine.

Birthday Sex!!!

2010-03-23T16:38:00.000-06:00

This morning as I am getting ready for work, my 7 year old son says, "Mom, I know where babies come from." I said, "You do? " Yep, they come from birthday sex." I asked him, "What is birthday sex?" "You know mom, what you did to get my baby sister." I said, "Oh, where did you learn that?" Again he says, "You know, The Birthday Sex Song." I asked him where he herd this song. And, his answer didn't surprise me a bit...(At Dads House!)
If you haven't herd this song, listen to it. All I can say is WOW, Birthday Sex. How do people come up with these songs. Not sure who sings it, just google..Birthday Sex, and you will find it.

Another reason to add to my "I know why I am crazy" reasons...